Heartbeat.

The City Beautiful from the shore of Lake Eola

Orlando isn't called the City Beautiful for nothing. The above picture was taken with no filter and no adjustments on an iPhone camera. Man, I love this place.

This post is a departure from my normal entries in that the content is rather weighty. But, this particular subject is important. This city is my home, and I want to lend my voice to the things this beautiful city has witnessed. To the the history that - wanted or not - is forever etched on its streets.  The eyes of this magnificent place have watched in devastation as unspeakable acts of terror and violence have taken the lives of people who had so much left to give. But without pause, day gives way to night, and night gives way to day - over and over again. Regardless of how the world hurts, or cries, or mourns or celebrates, or loves, time marches on at its ever constant pace. Never slower, never faster, never ceasing. 

This week, Orlando is easing into the first anniversary of a day that history names as 'the deadliest mass shooting on U.S. soil.' Be that as it may, I will reiterate that Orlando will never be "home" to such a claim, as some news outlets so flippantly reported one year ago. It suggests that we can equate such a harrowing event with something like "Home of the Gators" or, "Home of the world's largest Pumpkin." Orlando is home to many wonderful, magical things. I however, refuse to give terror, injustice and hatred any name here. That is not the home that I know. It is not the home that I love.  It is not the home that I claim.

I want to talk about heartbeats. The kind your doctor monitors keeps your body alive. When all is as it should be, heartbeats are constant and they go forth without any conscious effort on your part to maintain its rhythm. It just beats. As long as you have breath, it beats. There is also a second kind of heartbeat, defined as "an animating or vital unifying force." That's what I think of when I think of this city. 

In the days, weeks and months after Pulse, Orlando came together as a community to raise money, donate blood, honor victims, provide financial assistance, open church doors, feed one another, hug one another and just live loved. And in the time since then, the sense of community here hasn't seemed to dull. Everywhere I go, people proudly don Orlando United shirts, pins and bracelets. There are decals in many local shop windows and neighborhoods filled with beautiful murals that both inspire and honor the memory of the 49 souls lost that day. The heartbeat of this city is its people. This ever beating rhythm carries the weight of our past with us as we walk forward with hope. In it, we are reminded who we are. Strong. Resilient. Diverse. United. A collective community of neighbors, friends and co-workers and families that refuse to forget what happened here, but also refuse to live in fear.

There are a myriad of events going on these next few weeks - too many to possibly attend them all, and too few to ever feel like it's enough. My work schedule won't allow me to participate in the majority of the tributes this week. However, I had the distinct opportunity to walk the 49 Portraits art gallery at Orlando City Hall on opening night. Out of respect for the artists and those whose portraits were displayed, I will not post any photos. However, I do highly recommend taking the time to walk through the gallery and really absorb it.  

I was particularly struck by a few things I saw.  One of the paintings was completed by the individual's brother. It gave me pause to consider what strength and courage a person must have to take on such a task that is both extremely heavy, and yet so incredibly delicate.  There was also a portrait of a mom and child that I spent some time at, and one whose eyes were painted in such vivid detail, I felt as though he could have spoken to me had I stood there long enough. I thought about all the first responders, law enforcement officers, dispatchers and firefighters that were forever changed that night. You see, I have the good fortune to be part of a law enforcement family and I'm well aware that my brother-in-law sees, hears and experiences things that we as civilians will never fully understand. Walking through that gallery was somber, but it also carries an elegance about it. A beauty that is forever immortalized by paint, canvas, lead, gold foil and the talent of some incredible artists. More information on the 49 Portraits can be found here: 49 Portraits.

As I prepare to travel overseas to the U.K. in the wake of Manchester and multiple attacks on the City of London, I am particularly moved.  These senseless acts of violence are becoming more and more frequent. There is a weariness with which I turn on the news, hoping not to hear of yet another instance of injustice in this city, this country or abroad.

I never want this sort of thing to feel normal, because it most certainly is not. The deliberate taking of human lives is not what God intended for this world and while we weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn, may we never forget to live our lives for those who no longer have that chance. I will use vigilance but, I will not live in fear - for both myself and those who cannot. There is good in this world to counteract the bad, you just have to believe in it, seek it out and most importantly, be the good you want to see in your family, community, country and world.  Michael Jackson said it best:

"...if you wanna make the world a better place, you gotta look at yourself and make the change."

I love my city. 
I am so proud to call Orlando home. 

May the heartbeat of Orlando continue to pulse for love as we live up to our moniker, The City Beautiful.  
Let hope rise.

"Love will always win." ❤

Solitude.

This weekend has been one of divine adventures. I've made it my goal to experience as much of this beautiful city as it possibly has to offer. Part of community isn't just being with people, but learning, trying and experimenting with things outside of your comfort zone. It's how I've rekindled a love for reading and a penchant for being outside...although I can't go without saying that the "Florida winter" has helped spur this on, too. But, as I sit here amongst the trees, birds and things of creation, I can't help but to hear God speak in the silence. I read once that silence isn't quiet, it is actually full of answers.  And the more I consider that, the more I believe it to be true.

We live in a world of busy. And, some of that is warranted. We have careers we have been entrusted with, families to care for, friends with which we desire to cultivate more meaningful relationships, ministries with which we delight in serving...the list goes on. But how often do you engage in solitude? Or, how often do you get the opportunity to spend time alone?

When I moved last year, I bought a house big enough for a roommate because it made sense financially and I'm also an extrovert by nature. But in the time since, I've lived on my own and found there's a certain peace to be had in solitude. I have learned more about myself in the quiet moments of my life then I ever could have anticipated. There are a few principal things I'd like to impart on you.

First. Solitude and loneliness are not interchangeable terms. 
Solitude to me is a spiritual discipline. A thing that, practiced over time, has cultivated a different spirit in me. There are still moments where I am acutely aware of the need to appreciate my solitude, but also find that I am particularly lonely in such a state. For so many, loneliness is very real and very tangible. Widows without their spouses, parents who've lost a child and children who've lost or, never really had, parents, bullied children, you or me on a less than favorable day. In practicing solitude, you may still be lonely. So, I don't ever want to assume that I understand the deep roots of loneliness or act like it doesn't exist - it most certainly does. But, in solitude I'd like to believe we find the Voice of comfort and healing speaking directly into our lives. In my most broken times, I have been immensely thankful for the people God sent and used to encourage me, care for me and cry with me. But it wasn't people who glued together my pieces in those seasons. They were invaluable, but it was the God of the universe in the moments when I was left by myself, consumed by my own thoughts waging war that I began the process of being made whole again.

Second. Who are you, really? 
This is a question I'm still working on. In solitude, I wrestle with a concrete answer often. I think in large part, it is the spiritual warfare that happens in me. I don't pretend to live in a perfect world as Instagram or Facebook might seem to project. Those are platforms where most of the time, we create the person we want everyone to know and to see. All of the fun things we've done, the people we've tagged, the experiences we want others to "like..." those are often small bytes of our true nature. Because as I get to know my true self, I'm not always happy with what I find. I think when solitude is truly used for growth, it is scary. Why? Because solitude exposes the ways Satan is speaking to us, the sin we're entangled in perhaps, the selfish, non-life giving parts of our personality that we hide away from the world.  It exposes in our mind, heart and soul the deep places about ourselves that even we don't want to acknowledge. But, if I have learned anything at all from this journey, it's that cleaning out and working on those parts of me allows me to subdue the flesh of my body so that I can say yes to the spirit inside of me. And I guess you can judge for yourselves but, I'd like to think it's made me more self aware, more positive and hopefully more gentle and kind to others. I mean, I don't always get it right so, that's where I ask for forgiveness and some grace. Solitude isn't a destination...we as people on Earth will never be rid of ourselves, our nature, or our flesh until we're called home. But it is something that I truly believe will teach and reveal to you who you are. There are weeds and there are flowers...but, acceptance of me...all of me...has lead to greater self-respect and self-love.

Third. You might enjoy it. 
Okay, I know. All the introverts are screaming "Yas!" and all the extroverts think I'm nuts. But hear me out. I'm extremely structured. At work, I measure in color coded spreadsheets, percentages and task lists. My home is methodically organized - my kitchen cabinets by practical use, my closet by type and color of clothing and my movies by alphabetical, color coded genre. I even use Google Calendar to remind me to water my plants. (Okay, that's also because I kill green things even with the best of intentions). It's systematically intense even for me. BUT! Wandering about The City Beautiful with only my own company, its broken my need for schedules and plans to some degree. I've learned what it means to watch families interact and see people as souls with goals and dreams and interests.

The runners at Lake Eola,
The dad telling his doting toddler about the dinosaur at the botanical gardens,
The young couple strolling hand in hand, or the pure joy in the faces of two sweet little girls from China and their incredible momma.

In them, I see stories being written in real time and it completely shatters my preconceived view of what it looks like to do life together, to live in community with one another without prejudice, to love. There isn't one definition of life together or of community or of love. Its a thousand little pixels of a bigger picture...a tapestry of moments woven into each others' lives.

So...in the silence, among the tree limbs swaying and amidst the song of the sparrows above me, I find solitude that is surprisingly full. In it, Jesus speaks. He reminds me that even He went to a quiet place to pray before he sacrificed himself on the Cross. I don't see weakness in that moment where he is asking the Father to provide another way for His will to be done. I see humility and strength, courage and self-awareness. In that moment, Jesus is fully man. And as I reflect on how this parallels my own life, I see myself not as I want to be or even ought to be, but just simply, as I am. And there's a freedom in that, a sort of soul care that reminds me how loved I am in the midst of my messy, imperfect life. And in the quiet, in the silence, in the waiting...I hear Jesus. And I embrace knowing that solitude is purposeful. And that I am far from alone in these moments.

Busy Building Kingdoms.

Recently, I had the distinct pleasure of listening to a Catalyst Leader podcast (here) with Derwin Gray on high definition leadership. Did you know he was an NFL player and now he leads one of the fastest growing churches in America? I love that. Anyhow, I came away learning more about myself as a Christ follower then I did as a leader. I also learned that effective following is, in essence, the humility of leadership.

He posed a question at the start that both crushed and quenched my soul in one fell swoop.

...Is Jesus enough?

This stopped me in my tracks. Deer in the headlights stopped. Why? Because at the same time I was interrupted by this bombshell of a question, I was also trying to create a color coded list of tasks I needed to accomplish in the next 24 hours, eat my lunch, ponder the next steps of a project at work and listen to this podcast. It occurred to me that I am busy cluttering my life with getting ahead, and they're good things, but they aren't God things.

Don't get me wrong. The blessings of Christ are to be treasured. I love my new job, I absolutely adore my friends, I have a home to call my own, I get to travel often. But these gifts shouldn't fulfill me. If these things aren't rooted in Christ, they will always feel temporal. And, let's be honest here. I'm human, so of course these things validate my feelings sometimes. That's why people always want the  best thing, why we follow the next trending topic, why the approval of others seems to reassure us who we are. They're all good things. But, they're not necessarily God things. And when I seek approval outside of Jesus, it's almost as if to say..."I'mma let you finish God, but, [fill in the blank] is the greatest of all time." (I regret that I just made a Kanye West reference...I'm not keen on him, but I  digress.) There isn't a person, place or experience outside of His domain that will ever satisfy the human heart the way that only Christ can. He is enough. Sometimes, we miss that because we're about the business of building up our own kingdoms instead of his.

I listened with singular focus for the duration of the interview and pulled out another gem that was so conveniently mic-dropped near the end.

"What does it look like to follow Jesus? [That answer] allows me to lead [as a servant] from the overflow of His life and ministry."

In my own life, I've decided it takes on a few tangible forms.

First. Knowing Jesus.
I know, I know. Seems basic, huh? But, I can't very well lead like Jesus if I don't first understand who He is. He is the I am, and he is our friend but, as I spend more time in the Scriptures this year, I'm peeling away layers of God I've never seen before. Reading through Genesis and Exodus, I've seen His hand in the background of so many stories that I always read differently before.

Second. Decompartmentalize.
When I lose conscious awareness of my nature to put things in a checkbox or on a Google calendar alert, I forget that the Spirit inside of me and the Lord of my life take up all of the available space, no matter what I do, who I'm with, or where I go. My life isn't meant to be experienced as work life, home life, Church on Sunday life, family life, etc. Those are all obligations, but they all weave into the same tapestry of my life as a whole, where Jesus is ever-present.

Third. Old ways don't open new doors.
There was a time I was immersed in full-time ministry. It is the most challenging, humbling and beautiful thing I have ever been called to in my entire life. There are seasons to this day where my heart yearns for it. But, old ways won't open new doors. Regardless of the path the Lord would have me on or what that looks like, I have begun to shift my paradigm. Leadership is not equivocal to a seat at the table, or as Hamilton might say "being in the room where it happens." Leadership is simply loving Christ's church, i.e. his people. If I get that right, then whatever doors open are going to result in productive Kingdom work...because I'm not who I was. 

Leadership begins with humility in following the example of Christ. Let your character be rewarded and allow it to precede your spiritual gifts. It's a lesson I'll be ever chasing, but as He becomes greater, I concede to become less. In this way, Jesus can take his rightful place in my life. And He is enough for me. 

Footnote: Check out a song called "Presence, Power, Glory" by CitiPointe Live feat. Becky Lewis. It speaks to the throne of Jesus in our lives. And Becky Lewis' character precedes her phenomenal musical gift. 

Invested.

Happy 2017!

Another new year means...
>> Another turn of the page on my Peanuts desk calendar at work.
>> Another 365 days of opportunity.
>> Another 6 months of me writing the wrong year on, well....everything.
>> Another season of people making resolutions.
>> Also...another year of me getting older. 😅

But, I don't subscribe to the idea of a resolution....at least not in the way they often present themselves around the New Year. So many of them are built on good intention and let's be honest, life happens. Many of you have kids, we have jobs, homes, friends....typical demands that dictate our attention. A lot of them fall by the wayside and we shrug with disappointment when we realize how distant the finish line seems to be on the ones we didn't give up doing.

So every year, in thinking about what resolutions I would like to make, I subscribe to the one word challenge. I try to come up with one word that fits many of my goals and that gives purpose and promise to all 365 days. That way, at the end of the year, I can feel good about the ways in which I successfully lived out my one word.

The first year, my word was passion.

In 2015, I was still pretty lost. Even though it had been about two years since my life fell apart (which is not a dramatization, at least not to me), I was still sort of wandering through life with no purpose. After leaving mission work in Missouri, taking a break from graduate school and going through a pretty rough breakup, I was living at my parents house and the only saving grace was transferring to my current department at work.  For the first time in my life, I wasn't in school and didn't have academic success to give me purpose. I wrestled with why God called me into ministry given the difficult circumstances with which I decided to come home. If I wasn't working with college kids...what was my calling? I also wasn't sure how to be just me again after I spent time being half of a couple....which now I understand was very unhealthy. Honestly, I felt pretty hollow and lost.

That year, I just wanted to fall in love with Jesus again. Really, I would have done anything just to feel alive and full of excitement no matter what it was. So in all I did, I wanted to find passion in what I did. It was a rough year, and I can't say I feel like I did that great of a job feeling passionate about people or work or Jesus. There were probably equal days of success and failure.

The second year, my word was pursuit.

Last year, I wanted to be relentless in pursuit of everything. I wanted to be Jim Carey in Yes man...and basically, say yes to anything exciting. So I did. I said yes to life groups at church and to doing the hard work of looking inside myself to figure out why the previous year was so difficult. The Floods encouraged me to circle my life in prayer and to find my purpose through a study by Craig Groeschel. It worked. I'm so thankful for the time I spent with them and will forever be grateful for the way they helped me pursue people, my own heart and a renewed relationship with God. In addition, I pursued my dream of owning a home and paying off my vehicle. I joined another life group when I transferred campuses and pursued meaningful friendships. I finally, with a little (okay, really big 😁)  nudge from my favorite guitar player, joined the worship team and got promoted at work.  At the end of last year...I can honestly say I was happier then I have been in a long time.

This year....my word is.....Invest!

I want to invest in my dreams.
In entrepreneurship and multiple streams of income to be debt free.
In my health.
In the mission and vision of Jesus. (People)!
In reading the Bible cover to cover.
In learning and knowledge.
In travel experiences.

So in all things, I will measure this year in minutes used wisely and investments that pay mostly non-monetary dividends.

What's your word?

Who are you, Jesus?

During this season of Advent, Christians take time to reflect, meditate on and celebrate the birth of Jesus. It is a time to rejoice over the fact that a baby in a manger, became the Saviour of humanity. It makes me think of a passage in Philippians 2:

(Jesus Christ) Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,
He humbled himself by becoming obedient to death - even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name...

I've always considered that passage as one that reminds me who I should strive to be as a Christian. In fact, verse 5 actually says, "have the same mindset as that of Jesus Christ." I'm supposed to be mindful of the position that Jesus took during his tenure here on earth. But, here's what I've always missed...

This passage describes Jesus' mindset. Not just how mine should be.

In my advent devotional (here: real.life/women), I was caught off guard with the idea that the Bible isn't about me. Sounds pretty obvious...ask any five year old and chances are they'll tell you it's about Jesus...duh. We refer to it as our instruction manual for life and in certain ways, it is. But the original manuscripts weren't written for that.

They were written to give a first-hand account to the life and story of Jesus.

The gospel writer and doctor Luke was an examiner. His account regarding the life of Christ is often described as factual, logical sequential. It's what I might equate to modern day "non-fiction." No hyperbole, no fluff...just what He observed about Jesus. In it, we read in Luke 2 about the foretelling of the birth in Bethlehem. But, as my advent story points out, it's not about the city of Bethlehem. In the Old Testament, the prophet Micah talks about the Israelites. But it wasn't about them or victory over their enemies. That place and those people have significance in the Bible only because of... you guessed it, Jesus.

So many times, countless times really, I catch myself choosing a passage or book that I like during my quiet times. I read it because it makes me feel good. I read it because I'm familiar with it. I read it because it's simple. I thumb through the concordance in my study Bible and pick out verses based on whatever mood I'm in or trial I'm facing. And all of these are not inherently bad. But, it misses the mark.

I might feel good reading a certain passage, but only because Jesus makes it good.

Being familiar with Scripture is important, but reciting and memorizing them is moot if I miss the Who they're ultimately about.

It's good to simplify Scriptures and be able to recall them when we need to, but we should never equate that with simplifying Jesus.

Topical scriptures are helpful, but we shouldn't miss the content or purpose of a whole passage, epistle or book...about Jesus.

See, all of those things I do for me start with Jesus. With his story. With who He is. With what He's done and who He has called me to be. But, in my mind they started with me. My need. My want. My desire.

The Bible isn't about me. 

All of the things I want it to tell me about hope, love, loss, pain, suffering, grace, mercy and redemption begin and end with Jesus. Don't miss that, friends.

Jesus came to earth in the most unglorified way I think he could have...in a manger, born to a virgin and son of a carpenter, not of earthly royalty or position. Yet, He is  ascended to the highest place after counting and paying the cost for our lives on the cross.

Advent is a time to remember the birth of the Savior. I don't want to miss that. Not now, not ever. I don't ever want to reduce the Bible to another book. I don't want my relationship with Him reduced to a conditional place. I don't want my prayers to become requests to a magic lamp (although I do love Aladdin, btw.)

I don't ever want to miss the gift of communication with Jesus. The gift of rest in His arms when I'm worn. The gift of serving His kingdom. The gift of worship in His name and for His glory alone. The gift of community that He is at the center of every day. The gift of His story. The gift of His birth and yeah, even His death.

I share all of this with you because I don't want you to miss Jesus, either. When you read the Bible, re-read it until you see Jesus, not you. When you pray, listen until all you can hear is His voice. When you sing, let it be His song. When you gather, let it be in His name. When you love others, I pray that you (and I), love well.

Let Jesus be the first fruit of all you see. All you do and all you are.

xx