Past, Present & Future.

It sounds like a title from that engagement ring commercial, admittedly, but I do have a point - promise.

I've realized that there are times in our lives where the weight of all we've lost hits us like a ton of bricks - for no apparent reason; well today was that day for me. I don't have them often, but when I do, it throws me for a loop or two every time.

If I could list all that I've lost, it's not a long list, but the weight of it all is a lot indeed. Not to be selfish, not to compare my losses to that of another, but just stating the facts of my life, I've lost a lot.

I lost a best friend. At the time, I resented for feeling like her feelings weren't valid, but they were. Who was I to judge their validity? So, we had a falling out and everyday, I have to live with the understanding that the person I once told everything to doesn't really know much about me at all anymore. But I hope she knows I still care.

I lost a love. It's been almost a year - but lately, it has not hurt less. There is a song, Someone Like You, by Adele. The lyrics say "sometimes in love it lasts, but sometimes it hurts instead." It doesn't invalidate that I loved, only that it wasn't made to last. It's a bitter pill to swallow because I'm human but I have to believe we are both going to be better people in the end. Or, I hope we already are.

Finally, and probably most intensely, I lost my grandpa. It doesn't happen often, but sometimes I will see the passage I read at his memorial, or see an old Ford pick up on the road, or hear something that he would say. I get flashbacks of Christmases at his house, the GeoSafari he bought me when I was 8, his old faded work jeans and suspenders, a vegetable stand like his up north, a John Deere tractor in a red storage shed and a man that so many respected, but that I always looked up to. It's not easy to remember the good things, because they hurt, too. And he is someone that, on the one year anniversary, I will honor in the best way possible. He is such a good man....and I miss him almost every day.

But, in all of this pain, heartache and loss, I have been infinitely blessed by graduating, getting into grad school, having grand new opportunities to think about for my life and by being reminded what joy new life brings. My second niece, Emma Grace was born last week. She just reminds me of one of God's little creatures. She squirms and makes noises and is a heart-melter (already - so watch out, boys!) So pure, innocent, blameless and beautiful. She is soft, and sweet, she smells good (most of the time) and all she wants is to be held and loved.

My point in all of this is - I've lost love. I've lost a best friend I love, I've lost a guy I love, I lost a loved one...but, just as a point, I still love them. Present tense. I will never stop loving them.

What God has taught me through all of this is that, if I have "held and loved" those I come into contact with for Christ, (like I do a newborn) then I haven't really lost that much at all.

I have gained. I have gained love for others, I have gained the love of others, and I have gained the love of Jesus Christ. We are called to love. It is the first and greatest command. So, if whether you've lost love or you've gained it...love is love. Don't apologize for it, mourn over love lost or wish for the love you always wished someone would give you...it's just love. It's not that complicated at all.

The Beatles said it best. All we need is love.

Mission Trip '11: Faithbook - Connect, for Real.

Man. What a crazy two weeks it has been! I just got home from a Mission Trip with inner city kids from Norman/Tulsa, OK. To be entirely honest, there are a lot of things that transpired before the trip that made me reluctant, scared and just plain resistant to go. But, I went. Here's the shortened condensed version.


Our Mission Team from Tampa, Corpus and Miami all arrived at camp Saturday and had the evening to prepare things for the kids.  We had communion Sunday morning and the kids arrived at 4:30 in the afternoon;  Man, what a crazy week; we deal with attitudes, homesickness, and many other "typical" problems, but then, Tuesday hit. We got pelted with a big hailstorm that scared a lot of the campers, and looking back, some of us counselors who have never experienced that! Turns out, a big tornado that knocked out power to thousands jumped over us and hit all around us...praise God that He watched over us during that.  We lost power for a little less then a day, but what astounded me is the positive attitudes throughout the heat, lack of running water, bathroom conditions and just plain "annoying" situation.  By Thursday, I got to study with three precious girls, and many other counselors studied with several others; we had four baptisms at camp that I recall and three more at Contact Church on Sunday, and one of our Mission Team counselors also was baptized at the Lake (I just got the text message!)


The counselors, those kids, the weather and the difficulty of camp itself tried my patience, my attitude, and my humility, but by Friday when we had to send the kids back home, I got very emotional for a few of my girls.  It's very difficult to build bonds in just four and a half days, but God allows it to happen...and it rips your heart open to see them commit to Christ, to love, to laugh and to just be kids for a week at the end of it all. I am forever changed...it is all LOVE.

2 Corinthians 3:3-6 - You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts. Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

Not only did the Spirit work in the Mission Team to give life to the kids, but, the kids gave life to us, too. I could write a short novel or fill my blog with post after post about my experience at camp, but all I can say is that I came home with the perspective that the Spirit gives life continuously. If I can make it through camp, then all of the tough life choices I have are not tough at all. I have the answer now...it doesn't matter that I don't know where I am moving, what job I will have or what will happen with my Master's Degree because the answer is the road(s) that will lead me closer to God. :) He already has the plans, I just don't know them yet. Everything around me has been transitional, but thanks to Clint's gentle reminder, Jesus is never transitional. If we are to look up to Jesus, then we never have to fear what comes next. Will we? Sure, it's human nature, but how relieving to know we don't have to fear!


We also got to see Lynn & Carol's house and it provided for me at least, some much needed closure to see that they are not as far away as it seems; they may be far in distance, but never in heart. I know that God blessed them in an incredible way with that house, and that they will use it to glorify Him even further. Their example is one that teaches me that walking in Faith allows us the freedom to believe that God will always provide for our needs. Afterwards, we headed to Lake Tenkiller for some traditional detox R&R and Big Daddy's! Being out on the boat, I opened my Bible and started reading 2 Corinthians...the first chapter tells us that He is the God of all comfort, and through Him it overflows. How comforting it was to sit and feel the sun, and hear the wind and just be still.  It was beautiful there; I'll add a picture soon...God's natural creation is so incredibly peaceful and gorgeous. 


I am exhausted, but ironically, so very refreshed and renewed.


This week, I had to display all of these things to those children:


Love,
Joy,
Peace, 
Patience, 
Kindness, 
Goodness,
Faithfulness, 
Gentleness,
and Self-Control. 


But, in turn, I also received those blessings in my life through them, through bonding with the Mission Team and through His grace and Spirit speaking to my heart. Against these such things, there is no law -- and no end to how many blessings they bring when we allow them to work in and around us. 


Next on the agenda: on the road again for Searcy, (oh I'm sorry, "Seercy")in two weeks for the CMU Workshop -- Passing the Torch and Getting Lit! Excited and looking forward to growing more in ministerial leadership and learning yet again from some very wise souls. 


God is Good. :)

Dazed and Confused.

You know those times when you just feel like you're not you...? Like you're walking around watching your life happen from behind a glass, but feeling immobile and incapable of actually changing it? That's how I feel.  This past week, and the few to come have tested my emotional capacity in a way I didn't think existed. My grandfather passed away last Wednesday, on the 13th. At least it wasn't a Friday. (Not that I believe in superstition, but, ya know). Anyways, you know that saying "Two things in life are certain, death and taxes." Ironically, my grandpa passed away while going to get his taxes filed...


Funny, right?


Humor is honestly the only way I kept from losing it when I found out -- although, I eventually did lose it. Anyways, there are a lot of feelings that go along with the grieving process; for me, it's guilt for not going to see him three weeks ago when he was in Florida, assuming I would see him this summer, and now, knowing that I will never get that chance. I felt overwhelmed, confused, but understanding of his age and health condition. I felt extreme sadness because he was my last and only living grandparent I ever knew.  I felt loss, hurt, you name it. But, funny enough, I was angry. I was angry at myself -- knowing full well it wasn't my fault, and angry at God when I had no right to be. I selfishly wanted him back because I wasn't ready to let him go just yet. I didn't consider that in Heaven he is now rid of his pain, made perfect and healthy again, and joyful - that dry humor, story telling funny guy the five year old in me so vividly recalls.


Anyways, the point of me telling you this little anecdote is this.


Grieving is part of being human. God created it, just as he created things that bring us joy, but He, the creator of everything can turn our mourning into dancing, and sorrow into joy...and He never leaves us. So, even though I had to sacrifice financially to fly up north for his memorial, and I am stressed about leaving the weekend before a final that I have to pass for a class I have taken twice, and I am afraid of feeling too much, or feeling nothing at all...he is with me, never to forsake me.


I have written tidbits of many verses in here, and Colossians 1:29 - I labor with all of His energy which so powerfully works within me...yeah, I have finals coming up, I have a job, responsibilities and commitments and sometimes, I feel like little me, one person, cannot possibly do it all. But it's His energy that works in us, not our own...working on your own will is like trying to drive a car without a battery. You're not going to get very far. Life brings us hard times, but it's what we choose to do with them, how we respond and who we choose to trust and lean on (God!) that determines the power to get back up and keep going when all we want to do is eat several pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream while subsequently watching movies with Ben and "Gerry" (Barnes and Butler). That one's for you, Katie. =)


If you're experiencing a life hardship or loss, know that He is not walking beside you because He is carrying you. He never left; if you feel abandoned by God, it's not God who walked away, it is you.


A tribute to the man who taught me about the greatest command by living it: love one another as Christ loves you.


Love you, Grandpa...I promise, this is only goodbye for now. Save me a spot in that mansion up there, right next to you. I bet you're already watching game show network =)