Dazed and Confused.

You know those times when you just feel like you're not you...? Like you're walking around watching your life happen from behind a glass, but feeling immobile and incapable of actually changing it? That's how I feel.  This past week, and the few to come have tested my emotional capacity in a way I didn't think existed. My grandfather passed away last Wednesday, on the 13th. At least it wasn't a Friday. (Not that I believe in superstition, but, ya know). Anyways, you know that saying "Two things in life are certain, death and taxes." Ironically, my grandpa passed away while going to get his taxes filed...


Funny, right?


Humor is honestly the only way I kept from losing it when I found out -- although, I eventually did lose it. Anyways, there are a lot of feelings that go along with the grieving process; for me, it's guilt for not going to see him three weeks ago when he was in Florida, assuming I would see him this summer, and now, knowing that I will never get that chance. I felt overwhelmed, confused, but understanding of his age and health condition. I felt extreme sadness because he was my last and only living grandparent I ever knew.  I felt loss, hurt, you name it. But, funny enough, I was angry. I was angry at myself -- knowing full well it wasn't my fault, and angry at God when I had no right to be. I selfishly wanted him back because I wasn't ready to let him go just yet. I didn't consider that in Heaven he is now rid of his pain, made perfect and healthy again, and joyful - that dry humor, story telling funny guy the five year old in me so vividly recalls.


Anyways, the point of me telling you this little anecdote is this.


Grieving is part of being human. God created it, just as he created things that bring us joy, but He, the creator of everything can turn our mourning into dancing, and sorrow into joy...and He never leaves us. So, even though I had to sacrifice financially to fly up north for his memorial, and I am stressed about leaving the weekend before a final that I have to pass for a class I have taken twice, and I am afraid of feeling too much, or feeling nothing at all...he is with me, never to forsake me.


I have written tidbits of many verses in here, and Colossians 1:29 - I labor with all of His energy which so powerfully works within me...yeah, I have finals coming up, I have a job, responsibilities and commitments and sometimes, I feel like little me, one person, cannot possibly do it all. But it's His energy that works in us, not our own...working on your own will is like trying to drive a car without a battery. You're not going to get very far. Life brings us hard times, but it's what we choose to do with them, how we respond and who we choose to trust and lean on (God!) that determines the power to get back up and keep going when all we want to do is eat several pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream while subsequently watching movies with Ben and "Gerry" (Barnes and Butler). That one's for you, Katie. =)


If you're experiencing a life hardship or loss, know that He is not walking beside you because He is carrying you. He never left; if you feel abandoned by God, it's not God who walked away, it is you.


A tribute to the man who taught me about the greatest command by living it: love one another as Christ loves you.


Love you, Grandpa...I promise, this is only goodbye for now. Save me a spot in that mansion up there, right next to you. I bet you're already watching game show network =)