Dazed and Confused.

You know those times when you just feel like you're not you...? Like you're walking around watching your life happen from behind a glass, but feeling immobile and incapable of actually changing it? That's how I feel.  This past week, and the few to come have tested my emotional capacity in a way I didn't think existed. My grandfather passed away last Wednesday, on the 13th. At least it wasn't a Friday. (Not that I believe in superstition, but, ya know). Anyways, you know that saying "Two things in life are certain, death and taxes." Ironically, my grandpa passed away while going to get his taxes filed...


Funny, right?


Humor is honestly the only way I kept from losing it when I found out -- although, I eventually did lose it. Anyways, there are a lot of feelings that go along with the grieving process; for me, it's guilt for not going to see him three weeks ago when he was in Florida, assuming I would see him this summer, and now, knowing that I will never get that chance. I felt overwhelmed, confused, but understanding of his age and health condition. I felt extreme sadness because he was my last and only living grandparent I ever knew.  I felt loss, hurt, you name it. But, funny enough, I was angry. I was angry at myself -- knowing full well it wasn't my fault, and angry at God when I had no right to be. I selfishly wanted him back because I wasn't ready to let him go just yet. I didn't consider that in Heaven he is now rid of his pain, made perfect and healthy again, and joyful - that dry humor, story telling funny guy the five year old in me so vividly recalls.


Anyways, the point of me telling you this little anecdote is this.


Grieving is part of being human. God created it, just as he created things that bring us joy, but He, the creator of everything can turn our mourning into dancing, and sorrow into joy...and He never leaves us. So, even though I had to sacrifice financially to fly up north for his memorial, and I am stressed about leaving the weekend before a final that I have to pass for a class I have taken twice, and I am afraid of feeling too much, or feeling nothing at all...he is with me, never to forsake me.


I have written tidbits of many verses in here, and Colossians 1:29 - I labor with all of His energy which so powerfully works within me...yeah, I have finals coming up, I have a job, responsibilities and commitments and sometimes, I feel like little me, one person, cannot possibly do it all. But it's His energy that works in us, not our own...working on your own will is like trying to drive a car without a battery. You're not going to get very far. Life brings us hard times, but it's what we choose to do with them, how we respond and who we choose to trust and lean on (God!) that determines the power to get back up and keep going when all we want to do is eat several pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream while subsequently watching movies with Ben and "Gerry" (Barnes and Butler). That one's for you, Katie. =)


If you're experiencing a life hardship or loss, know that He is not walking beside you because He is carrying you. He never left; if you feel abandoned by God, it's not God who walked away, it is you.


A tribute to the man who taught me about the greatest command by living it: love one another as Christ loves you.


Love you, Grandpa...I promise, this is only goodbye for now. Save me a spot in that mansion up there, right next to you. I bet you're already watching game show network =)

Plundered Plans or Prosperous Alternatives?

"They say, if you wanna make God laugh, all you've gotta do is tell Him your plans." - Clay Aiken

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It's funny. People keep asking me the same question over and over again lately...what do you want to do when you finish college? What are you doing with your life? What are your career plans? What about the future...? What do you want to be when you get older? -- Okay, hold the phone. Older? I feel like I'm five years old and people expect me to respond with "doctor/surgeon," "lawyer," "firefighter" or any other cool stereotype.

What I want, honestly is to not be faced with knowing what the future holds.  Walls are concrete objects, tangible and touchable. My future is not quite so - it's an idea, a concept...something I am striving to become or to achieve. Right now, though the good news is that I can do exactly what I want to do and figure it out as I go along.  What you have to understand about me saying that is that I am a planner; as laid back as I can be, I need to know exactly what's happening, when and why it will take place and what part I play in that situation.  I worry about little things, but, I don't worry about my future...you see, God has that all planned out for me.

Okay, so I know some of you are probably reading this going...well, I'm going to stop reading because this is about to become a post about God. Well, sorry, no consolation here, friends. I warned you. You see, that's just it.  God is the goal, God is the future. For all of you who keep nagging me about what I want to do in life, that's easy. Glorify God. What I want to be when I get older, you say? Well, here's the answer. God is what I want to be like when I get older. 

To be honest, I hope you read the rest of what I have to say if you stopped here...when I heard this, it began to change my life.



Jeremiah 29:11-14For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you.

See, I don't know what I am doing. I know that I am graduating in May, finishing my undergraduate/Bachelor's Degree in August and then Lord willing, getting a Master's Degree in Ministry.  See, that is God's plan. I know this because I know the person I used to be...and I know she would have NEVER agreed to any of this given the choice. This isn't the life I ever envisioned for myself. I wanted to be married, have started a family and settle by the time I graduated from college. To top it off, I probably would have worked in some mediocre 9-5 job not really making a true difference. Well, since all that isn't happening, clearly Someone had better plans - ones that made a whole lot more sense, and it wasn't me. See, I talked about being a child earlier - and we are God's children, so when we seek him wholeheartedly, he makes the game of hide and seek easy - he leaves breadcrumbs, because he wants us to find him! He even represents the light! God isn't going to go hide in some dark, musty clothes closet. That's just not who He is.  

So, I don't know where the wind may blow me two years from now, and what God has in store, but I do know two other things.  This peace of being uncertain - that comes by FAITH STEPS, and it's not easy, but it is so rewarding. 

Secondly, I'll leave you with a thought - could we ever truly know for certain where the wind will blow us? Can we predict that accurately 100% of the time? Can we tell it where to go?...I don't think it listens very well....so...here's my "Food for Thought." 

FOOD FOR THOUGHT (John 4:32):

John 3:8The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

Let the Spirit inside of you lead you to the answers no matter what life brings, even in transition.  And if you don't have the Spirit inside of you...what are you waiting for? :)

Taking the First Step

Well, I did it, folks. I got a blog. I realized that I have a lot to say about a lot of different things in life...and apparently I think it's a great idea for you to read about it. Who knows why? But, seriously. Social media is the ground on which to have thoughts, to share them and to read about them from others. Facebook, Twitter (I am not a "Twit") and FourSquare (we now like to inform people where we are so we can be further stalked by strangers - go technology!) are just a few examples of how we let people know we ate Lucky Charms for breakfast and saw a squirrel climb a tree now-a-days. While those are amusing, I want this blog to be something of real talk. I may be the one writing, but this blog to be about God, and to be about you and to be about saying something that may help you, make you think, cause you to smile - or just get a good laugh at my random ramblings.


As I said, this blog is a little different. It is the product of a lot of thought, hopefully some time to actually keep up with it and a labor of love to know more, and share more about the Lord.  I won't make it a scholarly "lesson-a-week" thing - I get enough school as it stands! I'll post when I feel the need to, about things that are important to me, and well, hopefully, to you.  I want to bring the Bible to my life. I want to bring my human side to the technological world. How does what Jesus said relate to my life? Well, if you follow in my faith steps, you'll find out.  I'm moving forward in faith, the question now becomes, will you? :)